my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I pour the whiskey from now on
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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