bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
