she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
