This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize