Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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