i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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