Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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