Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
