so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
