i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
