He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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