He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
