I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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