he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
