I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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