so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
