Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my sisters under your porch take her home
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
