She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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