you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
