The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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