I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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