Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
PS: I just woke up from my shower
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize