I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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