Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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