If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
