Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
