I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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