Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
