I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Someone came in the potted fern
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
