So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
