i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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