I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
