Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
