Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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