Your mouth is God's brothel.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
