I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
