He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
