im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
im six kinds of drunk right now
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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