I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
