Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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