I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
A bitchslap is in order.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize