there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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