I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
