You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
