Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
