gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
