And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
