9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
