So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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