there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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