Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
