if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
