Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This toilet bowl is my home.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
