i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
