So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Did I show you my penis last night?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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