Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
