there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
