Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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