I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
