if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
