We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
