she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
