Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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