Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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