Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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