You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
