Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
