I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
