The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
