You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
